Azui: “Hello Dear Mr.P, my younger brother is a freshman who just came out of the society. I used to have a good relationship with a certain girl when I was studying in university, so I made a wave of confession, but I was severely punished. After many years, we re-contacted about last June, and recently started arguing again. The other party was a master’s student, and he was under pressure to postpone the graduation. The younger brother just said to him, “Many people are starting to prepare now. , maybe with a little more fuel, there is a possibility of a successful graduation.” However, I don’t know how the other party understood it as “I don’t think he worked hard enough”.
She thought it was uncomfortable for me to say this without knowing the situation, but remembering all the preparations I made before graduating from my master’s degree last year and the hardships of finding a job, she said that I didn’t encounter any major problems. Makes me look very unhappy. The younger brother is still working in the workplace, and the change in life and identity has also made me a person who has been complaining all the time. The other party treated me coldly because of the strong negative energy of the younger brother…
I regard the other person as a very important friend, and I think what she said is right. In life, you should take care of yourself, rather than complaining. I have to lose an important friend to understand such a simple thing. , suddenly made me feel like a bad person.
Please Mr.P, what should I do to mend the relationship? And how do you deal with your negative emotions? thanks
Mr.P:
Just got off work, dragging your exhausted body home to donate, is it very tired? Unfinished work, low salary, and lackluster performance all make you feel more and more stressed.
If an elder comforts you at this time: “Young people don’t care about the salary being lower than others, work hard, and one day the boss will see it.”
How do you feel when you hear this? Even if he was genuinely concerned, it might make you think he’s talking shit.
Have you ever hurt someone because of an unintentional sentence? It means that the speaker has no intention of listening, and we should make ourselves a person who speaks directly? Or do you think more before you speak? Will too much worry make the conversation painful again?
This time, I only take the mentality as the guide and the breeze as the supplement. Let us explore how to speak softly, so that your words can have the power to heal people’s hearts.
Before I start the analysis, I would like to ask you a question. Are smart people prone to quarrel with others, or are ordinary people prone to quarrel?
Most people think that they must be “ordinary people”. How can smart people quarrel with others?
A long, long time ago in a certain village, there were two families living next to each other. One family often quarreled, while the other never quarreled. Mr. Zhang, who often quarrels, asked Mr. Lin for advice. What was the problem? Why did our family quarrel so often?
Mr. Lin said, “Your family quarrels a lot because our family is all smart people, and our family doesn’t quarrel because our family is ordinary people.”
Mr. Zhang felt puzzled, so he asked: “Since the whole family is “smart”, why do they still quarrel so often? ”
Mr. Lin said, “It’s precisely because your whole family is “smart” that you keep arguing! Each of you thinks you are the “smartest”, everything you do is “right”, and if you make a mistake, it’s someone else’s “wrong”, so you hold your own opinions and refuse to give in. This is why your family is always arguing the most important reason! ”
Mr. Lin gave an example: “Last time I heard someone in your family broke a tea cup. The person who broke it didn’t think he was “careless”, but scolded who put the tea cup here? Is it right? The person who put the teacup was of course very angry, and immediately refuted that the person who broke the teacup was irresponsible, arrogant, and confounded right and wrong, so the two sides accused each other and quarreled endlessly!
If the same thing happened in my house, the person who broke the teacup would immediately say “I’m sorry” and quickly find a rag to “handle the aftermath”. The person who put the teacup would also be embarrassed to say sorry, admit it was his own fault, go get the broom immediately, and clean the table and floor together with the two of you, and the matter is over! ”
What is the meaning of human-to-human dialogue? Have you ever thought about this question?
Is it right or wrong?
Or after this conversation is over, how do you feel about each other? Is there a little bit closer between the heart and the heart?
When I first came out of the society, I used to think I was a good talker. At that time, I took a little class by myself, and my work performance was better than that of my colleagues. I often regarded myself as a leader. Capable and proud, but also likes to directly point out the shortcomings of others. At that time, I always thought that these people should thank me!
I’ve graciously called out your faults (Rockets tone), shouldn’t you thank me gratefully?
Once, a friend who had been working for many years asked me to go to an izakaya for a drink after get off work because of too much work pressure.
After a few cups of yellow soup, she said, “Oh, it’s so tiring to work in this company. In addition to dealing with a bunch of chores every day, the supervisor also stipulates that we must submit the report to her before leaving work. Please, we are too busy at work to have time. After dinner, who has time to get that kind of thing! Every time I leave work late because I have to pay the report, it’s really annoying!”
At the time, I didn’t know what was wrong, so I replied, “Instead of complaining to the supervisor, why don’t you spend time improving your work efficiency? At least for me, my workload is not lighter than yours, and I still You can clock in and get off work on time.”
Her face changed slightly and she retorted me: “That’s because your company is more humane. At least you can take your lunch break on time. Our company often holds meetings until 12:30, and the supervisor is still unwilling to let people go.”
“Then why don’t you report it to the boss? Isn’t this the result of your own acquiescence?”
After listening to this sentence, she fell into silence, the atmosphere condensed in an instant, and I also began to feel inexplicably embarrassed. Didn’t take the initiative to talk to me.
“Am I wrong? Isn’t everything I said the truth?” I asked myself at the time.
But then I realized that I would think that was the truth, but it was my own presumption and hubris. The so-called “truth” is just my wishful thinking, using my own life experience background and values to interpret it.
The real situation is that this company has forced several employees away due to the excessive requirements of the supervisor. Among them, several veterans who have been working for a long time have long since given up their intentions to find another job because of excessive labor and pressure. And other people who stayed, it is not that they have not worked hard for this matter. Someone once suggested: “Can the report go home and submit it?” Or the meeting time before get off work is always too long, delaying everyone’s time, you can move it Discuss at the morning meeting? ”
The bossy approach of the supervisors, who never sympathize with the people’s hearts, has caused the staff turnover rate to remain high.
You said to your friend earlier: “Many people are starting to prepare now, and maybe they will graduate with a little effort.”
You are absolutely right. Coach Anxi, a slam dunk master, once said a classic saying: “If you give up now, the game is over.” This sentence at that time completely inspired the team.
Why does the same sentence sound inspirational at times and sarcastic at other times? Where are they?
Empathy
Did you know that this sentence was blurted out by Coach Anxi when there were 12 seconds left in the game?
Did you know that Coach Anxi once had revolutionary feelings thicker than blood with these players?
Did you know that each of this group of players is a fighter who becomes stronger and stronger as he fights?
And you are not Coach Anxi, and she is not Mitsui Shou, you are not relative to her like Coach Anxi is to the team, so the first thing you have to do is not to tell the truth and give advice, but to go first Empathize with each other.
And how to empathize with each other, I will only share the wind chat method below, which is also the most common method I use to deal with complaints.
One, the breeze
Let your words be like a breeze.
What does it mean to be like the wind?
That means, your words should be as soft and smooth as the wind, without any subjective thoughts of yours.
First, find out why the other party feels stressed. If it is because of insufficient credits, or are you afraid that you will be taken in the exam? Is the subject always forgotten? Or just don’t understand the solution to a certain formula?
Or, is it stress caused by psychological factors? Or are her parents constantly putting pressure on her? Or do you feel panic when you see on Facebook that everyone has left the society and started working? Turn off the little voice in your head, guide her quietly, and listen carefully.
Remember, you are not asking her with the attitude of a policeman interrogating a prisoner, but naturally accosting her according to her chat content.
(Extended reading: The first step in learning to communicate, understanding the feelings of the listener)
In the first five to ten minutes, you don’t need to give any advice, and you don’t need to add any opinions of your own.
What should you do when someone is chatting with you? You’re helping by giving advice, but if she just wants to complain to you, giving advice is just self-righteous arrogance.
Second, the breeze
When listening to her narration, please keep the outsiders sober. Some people go too far when they empathize with others, and in the end complain about others together with the client. This is not called empathy, and it blindly gives negative energy.
Since you have the heart to help her, please act as a breath of fresh air and wake her up when necessary.
Ask yourself, and also observe her secretly, is she just here to discuss and relieve her mood, or does she really want to ask for your help? (Don’t be stupid enough to ask her this question)
The person who asks for a photo usually changes the topic automatically after talking, and the mood will automatically become cheerful, what? Do you want to chase after her, but worry about becoming an emotional trash can?
It’s just that people who don’t understand girls teach people like this. A person is willing to share his most vulnerable side with you, which represents trust, and as long as you have the ability to make her laugh, you are a warm man!
Three, borrow the wind
When you find yourself unable to use your strength, it is better to borrow the strength of others subtly.
Instead of preaching, tell her: “You have to work hard to graduate!”
Why don’t you share your own personal story. When you faced the pressure of graduation, what were your thoughts? How do you relieve stress? How to prepare for the exam?
If the other person is really sensitive, if you simply describe your own experience, it will also be interpreted as sarcastic remarks. It is also a good way to share other people’s experience with her.
Exchange positions
As you said at the beginning of the article, when you think about the preparations you made before graduating with a master’s degree last year and the hardships of finding a job, she said that you haven’t encountered any major problems, which makes you particularly unhappy.
Did you find the real problem?
Maybe the two of you are a good fit in life and have gone through a lot of ups and downs together, so you think you have a good relationship with each other, right? However, both of you actually possess “ignorant arrogance”, one is ignorant of each other’s delays, and the other is ignorant of each other’s hardships in finding a job.
Many people will ask at this time, should it be separated? Is it better to change the object?
All I can say is, if you give up like this, then the game of life is the real end!
Everyone is looking forward to meeting a person who can tolerate themselves in everything. It is best that this person is also proficient in the above three communication methods, willing to release kindness, and even if he occasionally talks willfully and nonsense, he will not take it seriously and tolerate me to the end. But if you are so self-willed, who would want to have a long-term relationship with you?
The real relationship is to be able to understand each other, and what you need to recognize is that because she can’t do it now, you should jump down and be the leader! (so you asked, I appreciate it)
Whenever your temper comes up, or you start to want to give advice (I know it’s hard, it’s human nature to give advice, especially men), stop for three seconds and think about the sentence you’re about to blurt out So, does it help the situation? Or is that just a “fact” you see? Before you can exchange positions, no matter how good your suggestions and improvement methods are, they can’t touch her, and naturally they can’t generate power.
In the end, to mend the relationship, it’s not about “doing something to impress her” or “giving your all to yourself”, but you realize from the bottom of your heart that you have to change, whether it’s learning Talk gently, or when she stabs you, you can not lose your temper and express your feelings gently, and your relationship may change little by little.
