Confused about your love life, how can you calm your mind? Live in the moment to find yourself

Zhan: “Hello, I ended a relationship of nearly 3 years at the end of last year. I know what I did not do well in this relationship, and I am also self-improving. Although I know the direction of my efforts, I am very concerned about myself. I really don’t have self-confidence. I don’t know if I can meet a boy I like again in the future, and I’m afraid that I will meet him but he doesn’t like me. I feel very slim about my love life. What about ways to calm the mind? Thank you.”

We cannot live in other time and space, the present is all you have, and the so-called future, only when it does come, you will live in that future, because that future also becomes the present.

In other words, we cannot live in the future until it arrives, yet many people live their lives with a focus on the past or the future, rather than the present.

For example, I once had a friend who was in a high-pressure work environment for a long time, which made him nervous every day. Once he was publicly criticized by his supervisor because he made a mistake in a company meeting. He felt humiliated, and he developed a present phobia.

What is a present phobia?

As I said above, he always focused his thinking on “failures in the past” and “tragedies that might happen in the future”.

Before every time he was about to prepare for a meeting, when he thought of the images he had been criticized for in the past, and the time when the supervisor directly corrected him, his complexion would start to turn ashen. This was the so-called “living in the past”.

It would be fine if he only lived in the past. In addition, in the meeting, it was obviously not his turn to speak, but in his head he began to imagine that he would say the wrong thing, and he was very sluggish, which made him completely unable to focus on At the meeting, it was called “living in the future”.

When I first met him, I actually didn’t know he had such troubles, because it was normal for him to chat and interact with everyone, and he would “crash” only when he was working, and these things about him The situation is also that during a chat, he learned that I had dabbled in a lot of relevant knowledge, and then he mentioned to me the problems he encountered (after all, it is a bit embarrassing for a boy to ask a friend for help).

This is about 5.6 years ago. At that time, I shared a few simple methods with him. After he went back to practice, he made great improvements. I used to do these methods from time to time. They are very simple but very effective, but Before that, I’d like to talk about the problem you’re having.

First of all you say: “I don’t know if I can meet a boy I like again in the future.”

Have you found out why you can’t calm down?

Because you have been worrying about the “future”, although your body is living in reality, your mind has gone to the future.

And more dangerously, you allow yourself to live in an uncontrollable future, and when one tries to control the future, only to find that the future is uncontrollable, it creates more unease and anxiety.

It may be a bit abstract for me to say this. For example, are you worried that it will rain next week?

Yes, you may be worried, but this worry will not last long, because you can choose to wear a raincoat, bring an umbrella, or take a taxi to work, because even if the rain will still fall, but you choose how to face the rain, is something you can control.

You can’t control whether it will rain or not, but you can control whether you want to bring rain gear, right?

So what I want to tell you is that you can’t control whether you can meet the boy you like again. You have absolutely no control, but what you can control is to ensure that you can maintain a comfortable mood, a good posture, and a bright eye. dress up.

When you turn your attention from the “uncontrollable future” back to the “now you can control”, your mind will become settled.

Then you say, “I’m afraid that I’ll meet but the other person doesn’t like me.”

In the same way, whether the other party likes you or dislikes you is not something you can control. No one can make anyone like you. This is impossible.

A player cannot control victory or defeat, but he can control himself to train more physical and technical training;
A salesman cannot control customers, but he can control the number of visits and talking skills;
An actor cannot control whether he will become popular or not, but he can control to practice his acting skills and learn from others humbly.

So what can we control in sexual intercourse?

For girls, it may be to take good care of their makeup, to dress up that they like and also to attract attention, or to use their eyes to show affection to objects they like, and inadvertent touch is also very lethal. For boys, the “Descriptive Power”, “Coping with Communication”, “Observation Training”, and “Maintaining a Confident Aura” that I mentioned earlier are all about allowing them to focus. in the present method.

In addition, this is the method I shared with him at the time, and it is also a relaxation exercise I used to do before giving a speech. It is roughly divided into several steps:

• Sit in a comfortable position. If you can’t sit down at the moment, it’s okay to stand, just stand on your feet.
• Inhale slowly, imagine yourself like an expanding balloon, and hold your breath as long as you can when you’re full
• Until the breath can no longer be held, exhale all the breath completely at once, repeating this at least three times

(This method is derived from the ancient yoga system of Tibet and India, which can purify the scattered state of mind and body)

In the future, every time you feel anxious, or your mind involuntarily takes you to the future, you might as well do this exercise a few more times, and you can bring your spirit back to the present and focus on what you can control. and change things.

And when you can focus on the present, you can improve the present. If you can improve the present, the future will definitely be better. This is the way to keep calm and confident. I wish you can find your own happiness :-).